Osakpamwan In Taizi Wars







King's Square. Lots of passengers and no taxis. Sunny, Prince, Clement, Pastor Ken and Agnes are all waiting to get a cab. An empty taxi pulls up and Sunny rushes to it, yanks open the passenger side door and jumps in. Others follow suit.

Sighs of relief from them as they all try to settle in. Just then, another lady, Bridget rushes towards the taxi and yanks open the passenger side door.

Sunny: Madam, e don full biko. Try make yu fine anoda taksi.

Osakpamwan: No, oga na two passenger i dey carry for front so dress for the madam abeg.

Sunny: (Grumbling as he creates space for Bridget ) Make una see me wahala. So becos say taksi scarce naim you wan add anoda pesin join me? Ah wonda for dis driver o.

Bridget gets in and Osakpamwan drives off.

Sunny mumbles something under his breath as he shifts and turns. He's clearly uncomfortable. He sighs and then hisses.

Everyone else is silent.

"Chai!" Sunny finally exclaims

Osakpamwan peers at him, then at Bridget and a wicked smile forms on his lips.

Osakpamwan: Oga wetin happen? You siddan well so?

Sunny: For wia? Dis place too tight. Aftall, ah fest tok am say na wan pesin soposto siddan hia. The size of dis wuman sef no help mata at all

Bridget: Meaning wetin?

Agnes: The man say your yansh too big ni

Bridget: What?

Sunny: Tufiakwa! Ah no tok dat kine tin. Ah onli say ya size no help

Agnes: Na the same tin o. Oga, why you dey change mouth. You dey fear woman?

Sunny: Tufiakwa! Dem neva bon the wuman ah go fia for dis life. Okay, make ah tok am, Madam, ya waste too big.

Bridget: Devil soda your mouth there dis man. Which kine nonsense be dis?

Sunny: You dey cuss me? Me? You dey cuss me for simpule trut wen ah tok.

Bridget: Yes, i go cuss you. Shameless man. Woman yansh go kill you, you hear? Since your eye no dey comot from woman yansh.

Sunny: Luk, ma friend, ah get beta wuman for house an' ha yansh beta pass ya own fa fa. Wetin ah wan take dis kine yansh do sef?

Bridget: Jolosy! My darling dey die for the yansh.

Sunny: Wetin pesin wan die for dis kine yansh for?

Bridget: I go insult dis man o, una dey look abi? I go insult am o. Do you realise i'm somebody's husband? Ehn? Do you realise I'm somebody's husband?

Sunny: Gbam! Ah tok am say yu be man becos wuman no go behave laik dis at all.

Prince: Hey, e don do ooooo. Make una take am easy. We all go soon come down na!

Bridget: No, let the woman wrapper dey follow me eschange wars there.

Sunny: Me wuman wrapper? Me? Yu must be a son of a bitch!

Bridget: Heeeeeeeeeeeey. Make una come hear o! The yeye man no get anything to tok again so tay he say i be son of a bleach! Brother, look me, i be like who dey bleach?????? Black beauty of my nation!

Clement: (Clearing his throat)Ma'am, i think you're misunderstanding this gentleman here. What he means is that you were sired by......

Pastor Ken: Sharrap young man. Now, people of the good Lord, calm down. We don't need to quarrel over this. You see, this is what i always preach about. If each and every one of you here were diligent in tithing, seed sowing and paying of offering there would be no strife of any kind. All problems will be solved. That is why i'm inviting you all to church this sunday (starts distributing flyers). There is going to be a special service that will douse any rancour of any kind, it will reduce extra flesh and put money in your pockets. BUT you must come with your tithes, offerings and seeds to be able to receive the blessings of the Lord.

Sunny:(mumbling) All dis fake fake pastohs sef. Wich wan be seviss to ridiuz flesh again? Chai!

Pastor Ken: Just come with your tithe and offering sir and you will see the miraculous. Just come.

Bridget: (Lets out a long hiss) Pastor, don't mind him, i will be there.

Sunny: (Sneering) Gud, becos you need dilivrans.

Prince: Oga, e don still do o. Try make you take hand hol' your chest, abeg.

Sunny: Ah hia you, ma brother.



And Osakpamwan sped on, whistling away.

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